Victim blaming occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially responsible for the harm that befell them. This is what happens to adopted people who voice an opinion that is isn't grateful and entirely pleased with adoption.
Religious views combined with men returning home from the war led to an increase in unwed births and subsequent surrender. The adoption process became an industry, finding white babies for paying infertile couples. The phenomenon of victim blaming is well established in human psychology and history; for instance there are plenty of examples in the Old Testament in which tragedies and catastrophes are justified and blamed on the victims for their faults as sinners.
Adoption.com pays a lot for placement in internet searches and is sometimes the first place a searching adopted person will find. They own the domain name "adoption". They will allow an adoptee to post info or ask questions, but no adopted parents or birth mothers really want to hear the life long consequences of adoption. Just browse through the adoptee forum section and see how many posters have "banned" under their screen names. They hide the posts of adopted people or otherwise delete and ban them from the forums. Adult adopted people's opinions are very valuable because they have come full circle and some became parents themselves. Adoption is a lifelong issue that deals with the thread of family continuity and our connection to our ancestors.
Not My Child. Adoptive parents who were unable to acknowledge their child’s needs also had a strong tendency to report that their child does not express a need for admiration, is not sensitive to criticism and does not take pleasure in activities that he/she usually enjoys (anhedonia). These findings support clinical observations that adoptive parents tend to report fewer problems in their children. Adoptive parents may be trying to make their child feel better about social rejection/problems in reminding them how special they are, it's actually counterproductive, increasing the child's isolation and adoption loss.
Instead of securing therapeutic support as any good parent is obligated to do, they deny the truth. Some are in true denial (unconscious) because it sure seems as though they only see what they want to see. They really do not see the adopted child's needs and problems. Problems that might be precursors to an alienated existence or character flaws.
Adoptive parents of the 60's , 70's and 80's were not aware of the needs of an adopted child. They were told in pamphlets and various other propaganda put out by the adoption industry, that the adopted child is a blank slate and if they were good enough parents they child would not need to search for their genetic families. They did not have an entire generation of adopted people to learn from. Unfortunately, the adopted adolescent's unchallenged grandiosity is also reinforced, possibly hindering future development of normal, fulfilling, and intimate relationships. Vulnerable children are dependent on being loved and cherished as individual human beings; not blamed or valued as trophies for parental sacrificing and sainthood.
Pregnant women want to know if the child they give away will hate them or have a happier life. Suppressing the views of grown adopted people and unhappy mothers of children lost to adoption shows that adoption has something to hide. There is another reason that adoptees and natural mothers are being silenced. Many people are concerned that if the truth about adoption and it's long-term effects on the mother and child were known, the abortion rate would go up. Because of the misperception that they were unwanted and would have been aborted, some adoptees have been known to say they consider themselves a "nine-month abortion."
People should, whether they have adopted a child or not, whether they are pro-choice or pro-life, begin to encourage all natural mothers and adoptees to tell their stories and provide insight into what can be improved about the treatment they have been given. A lack of support for unmarried mothers leads to a greater number of abortions. Statistics show that in the years following Roe v. Wade, as more mothers were supported in keeping their children rather than being forced to surrender them for adoption, the number of abortions dropped off. Babies are not saved from abortion when they are adopted because no child is ever adopted until after it is born.
A pregnant woman might be best served by telling her that instead of abortion she will have the option to be supported in keeping her child (moral support, financial support from the child's father, parenting classes for both mother and father, young parents groups, and government assistance if necessary). If she does find after her child is born that she really does not want her child, she will still have the option to surrender all parental rights .According to statistics compiled on Adoption.com, the mothers whose children are adopted-out often come from higher socioeconomic backgrounds. Unfortunately they are uninformed, misinformed and have no moral support from anyone due to the mistaken belief that they will soon get over the loss of their child and that their child will not know "the difference".
Children are not best served by adoption, which provides them a trauma situation where they are torn between their natural and adoptive families. Adoption is not a better life, but a different one.
Pregnant mothers are being encouraged to "choose" adoption before their children are born and even to choose prospective adopters. It makes it very hard for a mother to disappoint the seemingly kind people later when she realizes she loves her child more than anything in the world and wants to keep him/her. The people served by this are those hoping to adopt an infant and those who profit from adoption. Those older foster children who truly need a home are not served by it, either.
Adopting a 7 year old child who is legally free with no kinship placement available can be a good thing. Adopting an older dog out of a shelter who will otherwise die is a good thing. Everyone wants a kitten, no one wants a cat. People think nothing of donating to a fundraising site for people to adopt a newborn baby. People are not entitled to be parents. Financial support for an expectant single mother is not a support of her sin of unmarried sex. Supporting a single mother to keep her baby is not going against anyone's religious beliefs or encouraging people to sin. It is in the best interest of the child who is a victim of circumstance.
Adoption.com says nothing about the devastating effect that this may have on both the mother AND on her baby. None of them talk about the unending grief and symptoms of PTSD that most mothers will experience from losing their children. Many women bury these emotions for years usually until at least a year into reunion with their child, at which point the repressed memories re-surface and devastating guilt begin. A natural parent's PTSD can introduce an added complication into the reunion, especially if the adoptee is not aware that this is a common occurrence.
There are literally THOUSANDS of websites out there encouraging women - especially young women - to give up their babies. Infertility is a burning, painful loss. Often, couples focus so much on what they are going through that they overlook the fact that their child will need a different kind of support and guidance as they wrestle with what it means to them to be adopted. For those who contemplate adoption, it is important to know that adoption may cure childlessness but it doesn’t cure infertility.
Adoption.com has a moral and ethical responsibility to take every action toward safeguarding the best interests of children, enhancing the adoption experience and sustaining families – while achieving equitable treatment for everyone within the extended family of adoption. This includes unhappy adopted people and their original mothers.
