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Thursday, July 21, 2016

How To Find Your Birth Parents For Free

I am a retired police detective, but you don't need to be a detective. You don't need to pay anyone. Follow these steps and you will come full circle to find your own truth.

1. Ask your Adoptive parents. Get all the info you can. Paperwork, dates, everything.

2. Contact the adoption agency. There has to be a keeper of the records even if it no longer exists. Your mother may have left consent to contact you. They usually will contact her on your behalf.

3. Get your original birth certificate. Some states don't allow this. Go to the states vital record website and get the paperwork. Some counties allow you to look through birth records. You can figure out later which one is you.

4. Create an ancestry.com account. Everyone should have one regardless. Ancestry has millions of members now. Put your birth name as you, if known. If you have to put "unknown" in the mother and father slots do that. Add 18 years to your own birth date for your parents birth dates. If you have your mothers name put in what you know. Let Ancestry do the work for you. Log in the next day and you make have a new leaf. You don't need to pay for an account. Use a desktop computer and roll over the previews. You can get plenty of info free. Make your adoptive family tree for practice. Save your two week trial for DNA if you don't have a mother name or birth name. Remember "find a grave" results, the 1940 census and some other stuff is free. New leafs will pop up when you add new stuff. Make your spouse's tree or your kids. Basically to know what you are doing and how to use the hints and judge the accuracy of the search results.

5. Send for an ancestry DNA kit. You can later use your raw data results on gedmatch.com and find out if your parents were related ect. Once you get your dna you will have it forever... look at it as an investment.  Look for coupons and sales on retailmenot and other sites. Sometimes it is free shipping, sometimes it is a discount. If you don't have names this is what you need to do. For less than 100 dollars you will find at least 100 4th cousins or closer. Be nice to them and they will help you. Look at their trees. Build your own off of theirs. Have a nice profile pic, your own private family tree. People will be more willing to help you if you are an active user. Wait until you get your DNA results if you have limited funds. Use your two week FREE trial then.

6. Go to legacy.com and search all of obituaries. Put your mothers maiden name in the keyword slot. If she was mentioned in her grandmother or mother's obit. ect. It will show up.

7. Facebook. You can create a page for your search and target advertise to people from her highschool year ect. You can also make a picture of your info and share it everywhere. Once you get a name look up facebook accounts. Only you can make the ID. You will know if people look like you or not. Ask friends who know you well. It can be hard to see the forest for the trees.

8.  If you know the town, search in historical newspaper archives. Peekyou.com radaris and other people search sites might be helpful to if you have only a maiden name to give you birthdates and possible married names. Don't pay. A savvy searcher can get this info from collecting it from multiple sites.

9. Adoption registries. You can also look up how to "google dork". It will turn up info quicker. Put yourself on a registry just in case. You will have six weeks waiting for your ancestry DNA results to do all of this other stuff. Soundex and adoption.com are the big ones.

10. Remember non ID info can be fictitious. Adoption agencies had their own agendas to keep people from finding one another. Some info you believed was true about yourself may not be. It is also good to know your genetic make up from DNA results. If it is different than what you were told by the adoption agency, trust NONE of it. Most birth mothers don't know about leaving letters in the file and if the agency gives you no help it doesn't mean they are dead, never looked for you or don't want to be found.

Please remember to view my most popular post, 13-reasons-why-adopted-children-are-not lucky. If you are new to the adoptee community you need to realize you aren't alone. You may face people who tell you to be grateful and leave well enough alone. Most adopted people have positive reunions. Those who do not are at least grateful not to live in ignorance, no matter how blissful.

If you have additional search tips please leave them in the comment section to help other adopted people. If you are waiting to be found, don't wait. Chances are no one is looking for you. Doesn't mean they don't want to be found. The happiest relationships are amongst reunited siblings.

Monday, March 16, 2015

7 Lies About Adoption

Despite the fact that adoption is a common practice in the United States and in much of the world today, not much research has been done on the outcome of it. There is much literature on who adopts children and on who relinquishes children for adoption because these studies were paid for by the adoption agencies.  Many adoptions have favorable outcomes for the members of the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptees). Yet the number of adoptions by nonrelatives has declined sharply since 1970, and only a small minority of women who have been treated for infertility have ever sought to adopt. These facts suggest that adoption may still have a stigma attached to it. Further research could indicate whether such a stigma exists, and if so, what the causes and consequences of that stigma might be.

There is no official count of how many people are adopted, but it is estimated that 4 percent of Americans are and of those half are adopted by non-relatives. Most Americans asked have a personal connection to someone in the triad. Many people many not even know they are adopted or that a family member has given birth and immediately terminated parental rights.

1. Those kids don't turn out well.  Adoptees are regular children who unfortunately had to be removed from their families. No matter what the reason for this, it is a trauma. Everyone processes things differently.

2. The birth mother should have kept her legs shut. Plenty of young people have sex before marriage. Most women don't end up getting pregnant, but those who do are not necessarily promiscuous.

3. Something is wrong with those people that they couldn't have their own kids. God doesn't want them to be parents. It doesn't matter what went wrong or what could have been done differently. Telling a woman she "waited too long" or a young person that they have "plenty of time" may not be correct. There’s a stigma that either God is punishing you for something you did or the opposite stigma that religious couples face, “You’re not praying hard enough.” Neither of these are true. Nor is it a divine calling to adopt.

4. They adopted a baby when there are plenty of older kids that need homes. There are thousands of children in the U.S. foster care who are legally free and currently waiting for an adoptive home. Everyone wants a kitten, but no one wants an older cat at the animal shelter. The main reason cited is the need for the animal to have only one true master or that the animal may be "damaged" from abuse. They want to see the first steps, hear the first word and be the only mother the baby ever knows.

5. Babies are blank slates. This idea was pushed 50 years ago, but widely discredited. Science proves people have significant “pre-programming” from genes that have some influence on almost every want, trait, feeling, thought, and action.

6. Their Birth mothers will come find them. For adoptive placements, very few birth parents reappear after their parental rights have been legally terminated. In the instances where children have continued relationships with birth relatives, it’s because the arrangement will be beneficial, safe, and healthy for all involved

7. Adopted kids shouldn't be told about their siblings. Sibling contact is almost always the best thing for them after being separated from their birth parents. It helps provide continuity and protects them from suffering additional loss.


Also read related 13 Reasons Adopted Children Are Not Lucky

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Adoptee - Definition Of An Adopted Child

An ADOPTEE is a person who is systematically discriminated against within a state or other political jurisdiction, despite their nominal status as a citizen or legal resident there. While not necessarily slaves, outlaws or criminals, ADOPTEES have limited legal rights, civil rights and human rights, and are often subject to mistreatment or neglect at the hands of their putative superiors. Instead of being protected by the law, the law disregards ADOPTEES, or it may actually be used to control them. Systems with de facto second-class citizenry are generally regarded as violating human rights. Typical impediments facing ADOPTEES include, but are not limited to, disenfranchisement (a lack or loss of birth rights), limitations on access to Vital Records (not including birth certificate in every state), as well as restrictions on freedom of movement and association, identity and expression.

The category is normally unofficial, governments will typically deny the existence of a ADOPTEE's second class status.  As an informal category,  is not objectively measured; however, cases such as the American South under segregation, apartheid in South Africa, Roman Catholics in Northern Ireland during the parliamentary era and the marginalization of other religious and ethnic minorities, women, men, non-custodial parents, low to mid income parents who cannot afford a lawyer and have their children taken away by Child Protective Services, LGBT people, and other minorities in many countries worldwide, have been historically described as having second-class citizenry.

By contrast, a resident alien or foreign national may have limited rights within a jurisdiction (such as not being able to vote, and having to register with the government), but is also given the law's protection, and is usually accepted by the local population. A naturalized citizen carries essentially the same rights and responsibilities as any other citizen (a possible exception being ineligibility for certain public offices), and is also legally protected.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Why Adult Adopted People Dislike Adoption

There is a difference between a couple with their own biological children who adopt an older foster child and the infertile couple who adopt an infant. Adoption is first a loss for the mother and child. It should be always be used as a last resort and be open and honest. With most states not allowing adopted people to have access to their own birth certificates there is nothing to celebrate about adoption. Last year the Kay jewelry commercial received a huge backlash from the adoption community for showing an outdated view of adoption and was pulled from the air.

The latest commercial to cause controversy in the adoption community is the race for state Treasurer in Massachusetts. Candidate Deb Goldberg in her ad links adoption to “opportunity".  What this has to do with equal pay, avoiding personal debt, college savings plans, ect is confusing.
What it really has to do with is using the adoptive parent "sainthood" phenomena. Some people feel a religious calling. Adoption is not a way to repay a debt to society, a good deed, or a selfless act, but they feel in doing so that they gain an elevated status. "You are such a good person for taking in a child that is not your own and raising it to adulthood." Adoption has become an industry of finding healthy babies for paying couples instead of finding good homes for children who really need them.

Adopted voters in Massachusetts can only get a copy of their original birth certificate if they are 40 years or older (adopted person 18 years of age or older who was born in the commonwealth on or before July 17, 1974 or on or after January 1, 2008). Visit any adoption registry in the state and you will see thousands of entries of people looking. Why should someone born in June 1974 have more rights than someone born in August of 1974? Those voter's identities are quite literally a state secret. If you are an adopted adult under 40 years old in Massachusetts the only "opportunity" you get is second class citizen status. Adoption loss and the gross violation of human and civil rights that still occur in this country is not something to be exploited for political gain. One must consider the dignity of the adopted person.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Horned Demon Triple Murderer Caius Veiovis Was Adopted

Caius Veiovis,  formally known as Roy Gutfinski Jr wrote in a request to change his name while incarcerated, “Adopted as a child, (I) have no blood relation with, nor do I share the nationality my given name implies. It has long been a burden for me and I feel the new name I have carefully and with much thought, chosen more justly represents my individuality and nationality. This name is also in keeping with my religious beliefs.”

While being adopted doesn't mean you will turn out to be a murderer, statistically adopted people are over represented among serial killers. Adoption is a lifelong issue and even in the best of homes children suffer loss and identity issues which can lead to feelings of not fitting in and low self esteem.
Many of the issues inherent in the adoption experience converge when the adoptee reaches adolescence. At this time three factors intersect: an acute awareness of the significance of being adopted; a drive toward emancipation; and a bio-psychosocial striving toward the development of an integrated identity.

When we are born we have a name. It is the name of all those in our blood line that have gone before us. We may be heirs to incredible wealth or royalty just by taking our first breath. We have an identity even without a first name. We are baby boy/girl and the name of one of the blood lines of our ancestors. Adoption takes this very birthright away and replaces it with a random cultural heritage of who was next on the list of the adoption agency. Caius was even named a Jr. to a man who didn't look much like him, whom he was not blood related and given a name as he stated "was a burden".

Adoption is a fundamental, life-altering event. Adoption is created through loss; without loss there would be no adoption. Adoptive parents, whether through infertility, failed pregnancy, stillbirth, or the death of a child have suffered one of life's greatest blows prior to adopting. They have lost their dream child. No matter how well resolved the loss of bearing a child appears to be, it continues to affect the adoptive family at a variety of points throughout time (Berman and Bufferd 1986). This fact is particularly evident during the adoptee's adolescence when the issues finding your place in society become impending.

First the adoptee loses their mother, then usually the foster mother that cares for them until they are legally free. While the adopted person may not remember these losses it is hardwired into their brain. Primate infants taken from their mothers and given to another primate mother still have high levels of cortisol in the brain. The privated monkeys suffered serious emotional deprivation resulting in delinquent and anti-social behavior. The multiple, ongoing losses in adoption, coupled with feelings of rejection, shame, and grief as well as an incomplete sense of self, may impede the development of self worth for adoptees.

Religion plays a major role in adoption. Premarital sex is a sin and this feeds into the stigma and shame of being adopted. Caius rejected the Christian religion in which he was brought up. The majority of adopted people describe themselves as "spiritual" , but reject the dogma of religion along with the belief that the circumstances surrounding their adoption were "God's plan"

The stigma that adoptive families are not as valid as biological families, that adoption is a “second-rate” route to parenthood and that adopted children are “damaged” and are at risk for mental health problems also adds to the self esteem of the adopted person. 

Every decision we make is our own. Why we choose the options we do are an accumulation of our feelings, experiences and influence of those around us. Morality does not come from religion. You don't need the ten commandments or other ancient text to know that killing someone is wrong. For some it comes down to a case of genetic code. It just seems that people, whether religious or not, are somewhat coded by genetics to act in certain ways. Some are naturally more rational and orderly than others...inside and outside of religious orders. When away from their own genetic herd who have learned to correct their flaws to adjust to society, adopted people are always at a disadvantage.



Sunday, August 24, 2014

Adoption.com Is Anti- Adoptee

Victim blaming occurs when the victim of a crime or any wrongful act is held entirely or partially responsible for the harm that befell them. This is what happens to adopted people who voice an opinion that is isn't grateful and entirely pleased with adoption.

Religious views combined with men returning home from the war led to an increase in unwed births and subsequent surrender. The adoption process became an industry, finding white babies for paying infertile couples. The phenomenon of victim blaming is well established in human psychology and history; for instance there are plenty of examples in the Old Testament in which tragedies and catastrophes are justified and blamed on the victims for their faults as sinners.

Adoption.com pays a lot for placement in internet searches and is sometimes the first place a searching adopted person will find. They own the domain name "adoption". They will allow an adoptee to post info or ask questions, but no adopted parents or birth mothers really want to hear the life long consequences of adoption. Just browse through the adoptee forum section and see how many posters have "banned" under their screen names. They hide the posts of adopted people or otherwise delete and ban them from the forums. Adult adopted people's opinions are very valuable because they have come full circle and some became parents themselves. Adoption is a lifelong issue that deals with the thread of family continuity and our connection to our ancestors.

Not My Child. Adoptive parents who were unable to acknowledge their child’s needs also had a strong tendency to report that their child does not express a need for admiration, is not sensitive to criticism and does not take pleasure in activities that he/she usually enjoys (anhedonia). These findings support clinical observations that adoptive parents tend to report fewer problems in their children.  Adoptive parents may be trying to make their child feel better about social rejection/problems in reminding them how special they are, it's actually counterproductive, increasing the child's isolation and adoption loss.

Instead of securing therapeutic support as any good parent is obligated to do, they deny the truth. Some are in true denial (unconscious) because it sure seems as though they only see what they want to see. They really do not see the adopted child's needs and problems. Problems that might be precursors to an alienated existence or character flaws.

Adoptive parents of the 60's , 70's and 80's were not aware of the needs of an adopted child. They were told in pamphlets and various other propaganda put out by the adoption industry, that the adopted child is a blank slate and if they were good enough parents they child would not need to search for their genetic families. They did not have an entire generation of adopted people to learn from. Unfortunately, the adopted adolescent's unchallenged grandiosity is also reinforced, possibly hindering future development of normal, fulfilling, and intimate relationships. Vulnerable children are dependent on being loved and cherished as individual human beings; not blamed or valued as trophies for parental sacrificing and sainthood.

Pregnant women want to know if the child they give away will hate them or have a happier life. Suppressing the views of grown adopted people and unhappy mothers of children lost to adoption shows that adoption has something to hide. There is another reason that adoptees and natural mothers are being silenced. Many people are concerned that if the truth about adoption and it's long-term effects on the mother and child were known, the abortion rate would go up. Because of the misperception that they were unwanted and would have been aborted, some adoptees have been known to say they consider themselves a "nine-month abortion."

People should, whether they have adopted a child or not, whether they are pro-choice or pro-life, begin to encourage all natural mothers and adoptees to tell their stories and provide insight into what can be improved about the treatment they have been given. A lack of support for unmarried mothers leads to a greater number of abortions. Statistics show that in the years following Roe v. Wade, as more mothers were supported in keeping their children rather than being forced to surrender them for adoption, the number of abortions dropped off. Babies are not saved from abortion when they are adopted because no child is ever adopted until after it is born.

  A pregnant woman might be best served by telling her that instead of abortion she will have the option to be supported in keeping her child (moral support, financial support from the child's father, parenting classes for both mother and father, young parents groups, and government assistance if necessary). If she does find after her child is born that she really does not want her child, she will still have the option to surrender all parental rights .According to statistics compiled on Adoption.com, the mothers whose children are adopted-out often come from higher socioeconomic backgrounds.  Unfortunately they are uninformed, misinformed and have no moral support from anyone due to the mistaken belief that they will soon get over the loss of their child and that their child will not know "the difference".

Children are not best served by adoption, which provides them a trauma situation where they are torn between their natural and adoptive families. Adoption is not a better life, but a different one.
Pregnant mothers are being encouraged to "choose" adoption before their children are born and even to choose prospective adopters. It makes it very hard for a mother to disappoint the seemingly kind people later when she realizes she loves her child more than anything in the world and wants to keep him/her. The people served by this are those hoping to adopt an infant and those who profit from adoption. Those older foster children who truly need a home are not served by it, either.

Adopting a 7 year old child who is legally free with no kinship placement available can be a good thing. Adopting an older dog out of a shelter who will otherwise die is a good thing. Everyone wants a kitten, no one wants a cat. People think nothing of donating to a fundraising site for people to adopt a newborn baby. People are not entitled to be parents. Financial support for an expectant single mother is not a support of her sin of unmarried sex. Supporting a single mother to keep her baby is not going against anyone's religious beliefs or encouraging people to sin. It is in the best interest of the child who is a victim of circumstance.

Adoption.com says nothing about the devastating effect that this may have on both the mother AND on her baby. None of them talk about the unending grief and symptoms of PTSD that most mothers will experience from losing their children. Many women bury these emotions for years usually until at least a year into reunion with their child, at which point the repressed memories re-surface and devastating guilt begin. A natural parent's PTSD can introduce an added complication into the reunion, especially if the adoptee is not aware that this is a common occurrence.

There are literally THOUSANDS of websites out there encouraging women - especially young women - to give up their babies. Infertility is a burning, painful loss. Often, couples focus so much on what they are going through that they overlook the fact that their child will need a different kind of support and guidance as they wrestle with what it means to them to be adopted. For those who contemplate adoption, it is important to know that adoption may cure childlessness but it doesn’t cure infertility.

 Adoption.com has a moral and ethical responsibility to take every action toward safeguarding the best interests of children, enhancing the adoption experience and sustaining families – while achieving equitable treatment for everyone within the extended family of adoption. This includes unhappy adopted people and their original mothers.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Losing A Child To Adoption


The loss of a child to adoption is the most devastating experience a parent can face-and missing the child never goes away. A piece of yourself is lost and your future is forever changed.

Many grieving birth mothers question whether life will hold any meaning for them and wonder how they will survive the pain of their loss. Mothers describe the feeling as having a hole in their heart that will never heal, and may blame themselves and ask, "If only I had." Or they may be angry with their spouse, the physician, God, or the government.

Mothers feel alone and isolated in their grief, as friends and relatives are often at a loss as to what to say. But it is important to talk to people who understand the loss. This may be other first mothers, adoptees, therapists, or support groups.
 
 Everyone suffers loss in different ways depending upon their beliefs, culture, family history, and relationship with the person who fathered the child. It doesn't mean that others care less if they mourn differently than you do. Grief can also vary greatly depending upon the openness of the adoption. While some losses are less visible, such as miscarriage, other experiences of loss are more traumatic.
  1. Miscarriage affects about 25 percent of women who become pregnant during their lifetime. The experience of pregnancy loss can be devastating to couples, yet the majority of women who miscarry become pregnant again soon after the loss. This can become emotionally and physically challenging for the couple. They are often plagued with concerns about the possibility of another miscarriage and whether they made an appropriate decision to conceive again.
  2. Stillbirths, occurring in about 1% of pregnancies, can leave a feeling of disorientation, yearning and despair. Hospitals will give parents the option of spending time with the baby to say goodbye, and many parents have said that seeing their child was important for their grief process and enabled them to see the baby as a part of themselves. Another form of infant loss is Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)-the most frequent cause of death in children under one year of age-that creates a profound void and sense of loss in the family.
  3. Approximately 2,000 children are reported missing every day, and these kidnappings and cases of missing children cause parents almost unbearable pain. Not knowing whether a child is dead or alive results in confusion, fright and anxiety. When the bodies of kidnapped children are found, parents may express saddened relief that their children can now have a proper burial and healing can finally begin.
  4. The parents of murder victims face many unique struggles in their process of bereavement. A sense of loss of control is common, and the suddenness of the death is so overwhelming that, for a period of time, parents are often incapable of processing through the grief. For this group, dealing with spiritual beliefs, attitudes toward life, and general physical health may hold special importance.
  5. Each day, 46 children are diagnosed with cancer in the U.S., and 35% of those will die. Cancer remains the number one disease killer of children. The anguish and extreme pain parents experience begins with diagnosis. One part of the parents' heart hopes for a cure, while the other part begins the quiet process of impending grief.
  6. Losing a child to adoption is almost never included because it was the mothers choice. Some mothers especially those of the baby scoop era felt like they didn't have a choice. They were uninformed about the trauma and loss.
Birth mothers often experience more anger, depression, guilt, and physical symptoms than those grieving other losses.

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