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Tuesday, November 27, 2018

Yes, I'm Ungrateful I Was Adopted

Yes, I am ungrateful. I was given a better 2-parent home with a chance for a better life. Instead of appreciating what I had, I constantly wondered who my family was and looked in the mirror wondering who I was. Instead of being thankful for the family I was placed in, I was jealous of all of my friends and people with their own "real" biological families. I was too young to know better. Too jealous to be grateful. I would lash out at my mother and tell her she wasn't my real mother. I searched for my real family as soon as I was able to. I was unable to live another day not knowing who they were. When when I met them I wanted to be with them all the time. I didn't dislike my adoptive family. I loved them very much, but I hurt so badly inside that I couldn't be grateful. I thought the whole world revolved around me and the mystery of who I was. Maybe I was an alien hybrid or the offspring of a very rich and famous person.
I should have been grateful that my family helped me search and that they supported my reunion. I felt entitled that it was my family and had every right. I was not grateful for their acceptance of my desire. I wasn't grateful for the braces on my teeth and never having been without food or molested by horrible people. I was safe and loved, but all I could think of was the loneliness and hurt that I felt at the core of who I was.
I was ungrateful for life that was taken away from me. But I could never see past the endless loss.